"…and not for five minutes will I be distracted from the wonder…"

Jimmy Cracked Corn: Should You Care?

Uncategorized — d-ashes on July 2, 2004 at 10:15 am

Strathnavern’s back, laying down the Jackson-area music skinny:
Today I took a step back into the Mayflower kitchen, and we now have the final results for the “Willie Heath Neal Number of Intact Guitar Strings at Show’s End.” Aside from a barnstorming hootenanny of expletives and epithets, last Friday’s performance yielded one of the more interesting contests we’ve had in a while.

Early on during the proceedings, Willie Heath popped an ever-vulnerable G. But he (shuh-doo-bee) shattered precedent by producing a second guitar. Traditionalists mumbled and curmudgeons grumbled. Although WHN completed the recital on a guitar bereft of sticker, he managed to lose the D during the final song for a photo finish.

Winner: 5 Strings (20 – 1)
Place: High E Intact (17 – 1)
Show: Repeated Joke (3 – 2) [Claiming to hail from Wal-Mart, Georgia]
Dead Last [tie]: Asking Joe to sing a duet (127 – 1) / Vomiting on Stage (63 – 1)

We only had one lucky participant claim the trifecta. So, we would like to extend or congratulations to Lula Wharton of Hawthorne Drive. In addition to her prize purse of $11.43, Ms. Wharton also received a wire basket of Saltines – courtesy of The Mayflower – and an ‘I Shot JR’ t-shirt (size M) – courtesy of Tote-Sum of Jackson and 94 TYX. Way to go Lula!

Excuse me ma’am? Yes, Are you a fan of Matt Damon? Not really. Do you admire the output of Ed Norton? Not particularly. What do you say about John Tuturro? Now, him I like. But what about John Malkovich playing a Russian gangster. Damn, that sounds stupid. Good; I’m glad you said that because the movie “Rounders” will not be appearing at Hal & Mal’s tonight. However, the band, The Rounders will be appearing at Hal & Mal’s tonight. It’s The Vernon Brothers’ Bill Ellison and Barry Leach on acoustics. And please quit pointing that at me.

No one of note is playing on Friday. So the best advice is just go out and wet your whistle. Whether you decide to darken the door of the new Don’s, The Hideaway Club, or The Magnificin’ Five Lounge, here are some surefire winners you can over-order.

BRANDY FLIP
1/2 oz. Simple Syrup
1 1/2 oz. Brandy
1 Raw Egg
Nutmeg

OJEN COCKTAIL
1 1/2 oz. Ojen
3 dashes of Peychaud bitters
Seltzer

RAMOS GIN FIZZ
1 1/2 oz. Gin
1/2 oz. Simple Syrup
1 dash Orange Flower water
1 Egg White
1/3 oz. Lemon juice
2 oz. Half & Half

Speaking of Don’s, if you thought Fling Hammer’s May Reunion of the ’98 Reunion was balls out, just imagine the intensity of the July Reunion of the May Reunion. Unless you treasure the integrity of your spleen, witness Fling Hammer’s return to The Joint at 206 (coincidentally cattycornered to The Mayflower) this Saturday. Opening will be Lambotomy along with this year’s winner of Barstow’s Worst Phallus Euphemism, 2-Ton MeatPlow. Play Carrot Seed.

The game of baseball itself is highly overrated. As a purist, nothing gets me going like a rain delay. And as luck would have it, The Senators start a 6-game homestand on Friday – perfectly timed with monsoon season. And yes, there will be fireworks after Sunday’s game (note 6 p.m. start). If you can’t appreciate drinking canned beer and watching explosions on our country’s birthday, go back to Quebec. And as for those rain delays, here’s a great game to liven-up the wait. Whenever a raindrop hits you, take a drink.

Strathnavern Dunkheld-Fowles IV, Esq. (Ret.)

P.S. Despite popular perception, an old acquaintance from McRae’s never sold black lipstick to Burt Case on a regular basis.
P.P.S. To my knowledge, Stephen Crane never wrote a novel called the Red Badge of Cleavage
P.P.P.S. You know, I believed you when you said you didn’t mean to hit me in the face with the aspic shovel the first time it happened.

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