I WANNA ROCK RIGHT NOW, I’M ROB BASE AND I CAME TO GET DOWN
Unfortunately, this is not a good weekend to rely on Jackson’s live musical offerings.
So what the Sam Hill am I supposed to do now?! Easy now Gridley, I can help you
out. I’ve devised some alternate activities that will gleefully whisk your hard-earned
free time away.
- Go to Swenson’s and order a shake. Once you’ve poured the content
on your head, belligerently complain about the thickness.
- Head to the Municipal
Art Gallery. At every instance, nudge the person next to you and solemnly
of nudity is so rive gauche, n’est pas
- Buy up all of OffiSource’s legal pads in an effort to construct
a paper mache Time-For-Timer hankering for a hunk of cheese.
- Stand in the
Old Capitol rotunda with pants placed at ankles. Demand to see Bobby
Miles while waving a chicken leg. Claim you have Edwin Newman on the line.
atop the Fondren building and hurl Rooster’s onion rings at Rec Room
patrons. If they spot you, blame the hurricane.
- Be waiting at Morrison Brothers when
they open, immediately grab a guitar, plug it in, and tune it for about
- If you have a beard, go to the Ridgewood / Lakeland Exxon and buy a
fan belt and some condoms. Come in five minutes later with a goatee an
purchase wiper blades and some condoms. After another five minutes, waltz
in with a moustache and buy 4 quarts of 10w-30 and some condoms. Return five
minutes later with a shaved head and buy a Gatorade, a pack of reds, and
a letter to Unclaimed Freight. Insist they don’t have the worst location
in Jackson. Sign it in blood.
- Attend the Princess Diaries 2 at Tinseltown. At
every scene change yell, "Son
of a bitch! How’d they do that?!"
- While dining at the Mayflower, after every bite claim, "This
*does* smell like fish, yet tastes like chicken."
- Walk into WLBT dressed as Ace Frehley above the waist and Spiderman below
the waist. Ask when the Romper Room taping starts. Subsequently respond with "boo-yah" and "snap."
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