"…and not for five minutes will I be distracted from the wonder…"

Strathnavern: I’M UP TO MY MID-CALF IN KULAKS!

Uncategorized — d-ashes on February 18, 2005 at 7:18 am

This Monday is President’s Day. And it’s high time we took a few moments
to recognize and reacquaint ourselves with two of the finest this country
has ever offered.

Abraham “Buz” Lincoln was born in the Italian section of St. Louis in
1695. His father was a renown percussionist and his mother stuffed sausage.
They met at a cockfight. Their first son, “Blistering” Clarence was the
talent of the family. As a doting brother, he would later teach young Buz
the secrets of clairvoyance, alchemy, squash, and three-card monty. But Buz
would come into his own as a masseuse.

Knowing this was no way to make a living, he took all the money he saved
from diamond mining and enrolled at UC Santa Barbara. After earning his
degree in Oceanography, Buz decided to stay out West. It was only after a
failed Modesto ice cream parlor that young Buz tasted the creamy whipped
topping of local politics. On his seventh try, he was finally elected
associate chairman of the women’s auxiliary Spring luncheon. From there he
ascended to the White House on the Whig ticket.

Aside from being the first (U.S.) president to dunk a basketball,
Lincoln signed a bill approving federal research that led to the invention
of the Coke Icee. But his lasting legacy would be the reinstatement of the
the letter Q into the alphabet and the enduring catch phrase, “Mildred,
gimmie five.”


George Washington precedes any log-cabin associations with successful
presidential candidates. His upbringing was one of privilege. But his
rewards in life would be testament to his staunch beliefs in discipline,
honor, perseverance, and hard work.

GW was raised on a sprawling estate outside of Toledo, OH. When not
under the watchful eye of his Latin tutor, he would make paper dolls, churn
butter, and hand out skates at the county roller rink.

Although he was groomed to eventually take over the family inner tube
enterprise, George heeded the call of service. Most people know Washington
attended West Point. Few people know it was still Hudson Valley Teachers
College, at the time. There he would forge his lifelong friendships with
Captain Crunch, General Symptoms, and Rear Admiral Clayton Bottoms.

After winning the battle against tooth decay, General Washington was
asked to join a circle of the colonies’ finest intellectuals. And when the
bottle stopped on him, it was determined that he would be the first
president.

But Washington’s professional life did not end with the presidency. He
went on to be a pioneering real estate developer. His first and most
successful venture was a subdivision in northern Virginia, on the shores of
the Potomac. The community was so successful he opened his own college and
bought his own NFL franchise.

The reception was not so warm when he opened his own state in 1899.

Although they are often linked, President Washington only met Elvis
Presley three times. And it’s now understood that one of these occasions was
at a brunch’s omelette station.


THURSDAY

Jens Lekman @ Martin’s

Who the hell is this? I’m not exactly sure, but his lushly somber pop
stylings (on iTunes) have garnered him three Swedish Grammy nominations.

FRIDAY

Cary Hudson Trio @ George St.

The twangy ruckus ascends Hwy 49

MONDAY

Bryan Ledford @ George St. for FREE

The twangy calm descends I-55

TUESDAY

Pub Quiz

Hunka, hunka burning love

Strathnavern Dunkheld-Fowles IV, Esq. (Ret.)

P.S. Despite popular perception, Barbie Basset is not afraid to whip out her
switchblade.

P.P.S. I’m pretty sure T.B. Schmidt’s “Big Bear of Arkansas” was not about
linebacker Billy Ray Smith.

P.P.P.S. Before you throw another centerpiece at me, can I assure you
that I was just admiring your brooch.

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