Today is a happy day. I am now Uncle Strathnavern Dunkheld-Fowles IV,
Esq. (Ret.). My sister gave birth to Brendan Patrick Dunkheld-Fowles
Halstead earlier this afternoon. He weighs 9 lbs. 8 oz. That would make him
an extremely large trout, a very small marlin, a $140 beef tenderloin, or
the world’s biggest crouton.
And since I have mastered unsolicited advice [*cough*], I’ve decided to
help the kid with some pointers that will make his early life a lot easier.
- "Heads I win, tails you lose" actually works.
- Punching through a pane of glass might emphasize your point, but it will
leave a permanent scar.
- If your buddy suggests diving fully-dressed-up into the pool outside of his
bar mitzvah reception, he’s really not going to jump in with you at the
count of three.
- Don’t buy any Van Halen records made after Reagan’s 1st administration
- Never tell your barber to leave it long in the back.
- Gin can be your friend. It can also be a cruel temptress.
- If you can pen something as masterful as "The Cockroach That ate Cincinnati"
as a first grader, you’ll be alright.
- As enticing as goalposts are, don’t try to swing from them
- Writing "Vasco DaGamma is yo mama" in a state text book will lead to a
lengthy, yet hilarious, grade-wide inquiry.
- When a dare involves liquor, a solo cup, and no ice, don’t accept the
- A stapler will effectively penetrate a thumb.
- Chemistry teachers never like the response "R2D2" for a chemical formula.
Willie Heath Neal @ The Red Room for FREE 10:30
The swearing and old-school country should mix well with Ladies’ Night
The Vamps @ The Red Room for FREE 7:30
Prove that you can groove
Album Leaf @ Martin’s
Classically-trained mellow minimalism from San Diego
Young Agent Jones @ Dons’
Tight power pop from Oktibbeha County
Of Montreal @ Martin’s
The Winter Pagent @ Martin’s
Impressive dramatic drone from Brooklyn
Bryan Ledford @ "George Street"
Rolling off the roots of roots
Special guest co-host, Canada
Uncle Strathnavern Dunkheld-Fowles IV, Esq. (Ret.)
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